Self-Differentiated Leadership & Crucial Conversations
As with any new initiative in education, there will always be pushback. There will be many crucial conversations throughout the implementation process. The biggest challenge seems to be when tasked with proposing a necessary and meaningful change to others in people’s comfort zone. Some people will find the need for change as unnecessary and some will believe just as strongly as me that change is needed. With that doubt and resistance comes the need for self- differentiated leaders (Camp, 2010) to step up, using specific tools and strategies to motivate their teams. This is where Crucial Conversation’s methodologies will help me in developing and leading the strategies I feel will make the biggest difference in communication with Armstrong. The key to real change lies not in implementing a new process, but in getting people to hold one another accountable to the process. And that requires Crucial Conversations skills (Patterson, 2012, p. 13). Working on me first by knowing when high-risk discussions will take place and coming to the conversation with the correct motives and how to stay focused. Working on me first will also keep the emotional triangle out of our conversations. If I can model good dialogue in crucial conversations others will feel safe to share. Leaders must make sure their motives are pure before they try to influence their team. Getting unstuck by learning how to identify the crucial conversations that are key to success and starting with the heart by staying focused on what I really want are important when implementing change in an organization. In order to move to our best, we have to find a way to explain what is in each of our pools of meaning—especially our high-stakes, sensitive, and controversial opinions, feelings, and ideas—and to get others to share their pools (Patterson, 2012, p. 27). When you fear that people aren’t buying into your ideas, you start pushing too hard. When you fear that you may be harmed in some way, you start withdrawing and hiding. If you don’t fear that you’re being attacked or humiliated, you yourself can hear almost anything and not become defensive (Patterson, 2012, p. 55). It is important to read the room and notice when the conversation turns. Remember that the only person you can directly control is yourself (Patterson, 2012, p.48). As my Innovation Plan takes shape and becomes more of a reality, I am becoming more aware of the need for Self-Differentiated Leadership and Crucial Conversations. Staying connected to others and the goal, while keeping close tabs on yourself is what being a self-differentiated leader is about. Understanding and acknowledging teams differences are also acknowledging different levels of emotions and feelings that may be present within a team. Following the clearly laid out steps in Crucial Conversations, nearly anyone can feel comfortable having conversations that are safe and productive. A good leader starts with pure motives before trying to lead or influence their team. Starting with your heart is the first step in this process.
Work on Me First—Start With the Heart
Having my heart in the right place is the first step in having productive conversations with others. Knowing what my heart really wants is crucial. I will remember to:
- Stay Focused on the right motives.
- Keep my heart right by understanding what it is I really want.
- Create a safe place for dialogue-listen and don’t take things personally.
- Continuously checking in with myself.
- Avoid thinking my way is the only way.
Learn to Look
When you fear that people aren’t buying into your ideas, you start pushing too hard. When you fear that you may be harmed in some way, you start withdrawing and hiding. If you don’t fear that you’re being attacked or humiliated, you yourself can hear almost anything and not become defensive (Patterson, 2012, p. 55). It is important to read the room and notice when the conversation turns. I will remember to:
- Pay attention to when the conversation is crucial
- Be self-aware of my Style Under Stress.
- Acknowledge and monitor my actions and emotions, as well as those of the other person in the conversation.
- Pay attention to dialogue and content.
Make it Safe
When people feel unsafe or threatened in conversation emotions get involved and dialogue comes to a stop. Having a mutual purpose and mutual respect must be present in order for everyone to feel safe. When we recognize that we all have weaknesses, it’s easier to find a way to respect others (Patterson, 2012, p. 80). To get the conversation back on track:
- Determine which safety condition is causing unsafe feelings (Mutual purpose or respect).
- Apologize for misunderstandings when appropriate.
- Clarify my purpose and confirm my respect.
- Create a mutual purpose.
Master My Stories
To master my stories I will need to be the master of my own emotions and recognize when I am in a place of silence or violence. Being in touch with my own emotions and how they are projected onto others is important to remember, along with creating new emotions to get me back to dialogue is imperative at this stage. Remember people act their worst when it matters the most. To do this I will retrace my path:
- Notice my behaviors.
- Identify the emotions behind my story.
- Analyze my stories.
- Get back to the facts.
- Watch for clever stories–don’t make someone else out to be the bad guy.
STATE My Path
Analyzing my own behavior is a must-do prior to engaging back in dialogue, but before I can successfully reengage I must first STATE my path.
Share my facts–What I see and hear and how it is different from my expectations.
- “I noticed that…”
- “The last three times we talked about this…”
Tell my story–so the team knows why the facts I shared are a concern.
- “I believe that…”
- “I start to think that…”
Ask for others’ paths–Be humble and ask everyone to share after I have shared my story.
- “Can you help me better understand?’
- “What’s your view?”
Talk tentatively–Tell my story as a story, not as fact, let others share stories & avoid demands.
- “I believe that what we should do is..”
- “I’m wondering if that example applies to our school…
Encourage testing-Sincerely invite differing opinions. Make it safe.
- Remember my purpose.
- Don’t try to convince or control.
- Reach a shared meaning and agree on the next action step.
Explore Others’ Paths
To keep ourselves from feeling nervous while exploring others’ paths–no matter how different or wrong they seem–remember we’re trying to understand their point of view, not necessarily agree with it (Patterson, 2012, p.167). At this stage, I want to encourage the flow of meaning and help others leave silence or violence in the past. Being curious and patient will help restore a safe place for sharing. As I listen I’ll remember the following:
- Ask to hear their views.
- Mirror to respectfully acknowledge emotions they are feeling.
- Paraphrase what others are saying to you to avoid misunderstandings and show that it is safe to share their thinking.
- Prime the conversation if others are holding back. Give my best guess at what they may be thinking and feeling.
Move Action
Now it’s time to decide what to do with the dialogue and how we can come to an agreement. However, just because shared meaning may exist, it doesn’t mean everyone will agree on what to do with it. To avoid violated expectations and inaction, I’ll remember the following:
- Decide how to decide. (Command/Consult/Vote/Consensus)
- To make the decision, ask myself:
- Who cares? -Involve only those who care?
- Who knows? -Involve those with relevant knowledge.
- Who must agree? -Involve those pertinent to the decision-making process.
- How many people must be involved? -Involve as few as possible.
Having crucial conversations will require taking a lot of tools into consideration and to remember in order to be prepared when the conversations are taking place. Being open-minded and receptive to not only myself but also others is most important. Remember all of the strategies in the moment will be challenging at first, but I know after practicing and failing forward through the process, my communication skills will improve. For me, “learning to look” and “mastering my stories” seem to be a good place for me to start when conversations become crucial. Looking at myself and recognizing when I don’t feel safe and how to change the dialogue is going to help me tremendously. I’m a passionate person who has always worn her heart on her sleeve. Stayin under the radar and not making waves has been my thing for as long as I can remember. This program, especially this class has given me the confidence I never knew I had and the tools to have productive conversations. I feel more confident in sharing and collaborating with the implementation of my innovation plan. Speaking up is hard. Being confident in what I am speaking about is even harder, but with the tools, and strategies found from all of the resources in this course I will continue to have more confidence when speaking up.
References
Camp, J (2010, November 10). Friedman’s theory of differentiated leadership made simple. [YouTubeVideo] Retrieved from
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RgdcljNV-EwPatterson, K., Grenny, J., & Swizler, A. (2012). Crucial conversations: Tools for talking when stakes are high. (2nd ed.).
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